The other day it rained heavily. It rained cats and dogs, and sadly some abuses for yours truly.
I always used to enjoy driving in the rain, but that day it was scary, with visibility near zero. I promise not to drive , never again in that rain- with flashes of lightning and thunder cracks at the rate of one every 5 min intervals. The rains lashed so forcefully, that I feared the windscreen might just buckle under (Not exaggerating .you see the car is vintage)
There was water everywhere, below, on the roads and fear all up in my mind. Aakashvanis suddenly started echoing in my mind-
“Remember, don’t stop the car while you are in midst of water or else your engine will Choke! Choke! Choke!” That was the office driver of my team. (Choke here means- dying with a sputter and phusss!)
“Always keep your foot on the accelerator or else the engine will choke! Choke! Choke!” –that again was Mr R, a colleague.
And just then, the phone buzzed ominously. It was Mr. B for an article. To hell with the article! I was marooned and I was sure my engine would choke! Choke! Choke!
I wailed at him desperately without a preamble- “Heeelp! I am stuck in a flood!”
Come to think of it that was asinine of me. How can he 1000 kms away, help me except for yes, another piece of advice-“ Keep the engine running…”
Hell! I am now done for, I thought
Anyways by that time, I was completely brainwashed into believing, that I should keep the engine, the car and myself in motion at any cost-doesn’t matter if I run over, fish, ducks or cows in the process (if I can that is)
I reached the main road to the kid’s school, but as destiny had planned it, I took the short cut through the Gaon or village to avoid traffic, and drove right into what I was fearing most – knee deep water- ok! Ok! calf deep water. I did not want the car to stop so I charged on like a bull over the flooded lane in second gear. Now there was this motorist who was riding at a leisurely pace with probably a Behen or Ma and one who was sent on earth just to cuss and curse me.
I honked like a mad woman. Ok correction ! I am a mad woman and I honked like His life depended on it. Well in fact his life indeed depended on it, but naah! He floated on. I think he really was floating if I remember the speed he was traveling. I was scared I might run him over. And I was equally scared that the engine might choke, if I didn’t run him over.
Thank fully I reached terra firma- A little stretch of terra firma before which lay a huge expanse of water. I waited for him to float on, but Mr F( f for floater was a slow floater). I couldn’t wait much longer. I saw an opening. I ran over the three Akashvanis in my mind once again and charged ahead.
The inevitable happened. They were splashed by this insensitive jerk of a woman. And inevitably he shot at me angrily- Andhi ho kya? Gari chalane nahin aati? (you blind? Don’t know how to drive)
I ignored his remark and drove on. I really couldn’t afford to stop the car at calf deep water. The show must go on- I mean the car, engine and its driver must go on.
But he was persistent. He abandoned his float, charged up his bike and came roaring by my side, literally shouting in my ears- “ANDHI ho kya? Gaari kaise chala rahe ho?”
Now what kind of a question is that? Do I stop the car and explain the technicalities of driving a car or explain Archimedes principle of volume and water displacement.
I looked ahead fiercely willing my expression to tell him- “Andhi hi nahin bhai sahib, behri bhi hu” ( yes , not only blind, I am deaf and dumb too )and revved up past him.
That, infuriated him no end. He screamed out ANDHI HAI KYA SAAAliiiii
I really didn’t know what actually my self-proclaimed Jeejaji wanted at that moment. A fight which I was avoiding? Surely he didn’t expect me to stop the car at 3 pm afternoon and whimper at his feet in front of a whole lot of female friendly population of that area? I mean a woman, no matter how much cussed, abused molested after dark, can still afford to be a Sherni during daylight, thanks to the new found temporary awareness of the Delhi Police.
And surely he didn’t think I had done it deliberately? I mean I do look crazy but not that crazy and spiteful to go about splashing mud and drenching unsuspecting complete strangers out of the blue?
Then why this kolavery di?
Ok a little bit of anger is natural , but tell me really is there a volume control thingie that can regulate the volume of water splashed by a car. As if to prove my innocence, two more cars sped past giving him and his co rider a free bath to cool his garam dimaag and eventually he did cool down.
But let’s not discuss Archimedes principle here.
What perplexed me was the psyche behind his fury. No doubt he was infuriated because I ignored him which if he wanted he could interpret it and which indeed seemed to be like – me running away with the tail between my legs. He had everything to satisfy his bursting sputtering stuttering ego, but still he was angry enough to cuss and yell
Was he angry because I did not give him the chance to cuss some more and a chance to exhibit his vast knowledge of female anatomical parts?
The psychology of gaalis is really confounding and I for one had never been able to understand why certain things are said in the name of gaalis.
Like for once, a rickshaw wala I was traveling in started fighting with another one and verbally abusing each other- which in terms of context was – shoving up any visible thing up their anal canal. Now the mad one that I am, I started giggling uncontrollably. Just logically, for once logically think- why would anyone go into the whole trouble of doing that disgusting little thing? Why in God’s name would anyone just go in to the trouble of catching hold of someone, make him lie still, undress him, poke his nose into his smelly rectum, while he attempted to shove something up his A. What pleasure would he derive doing that?( Mind you proctoscopy was equally difficult time for both the do-er and the receiver. )
And again why do they drag the Mothers and Sisters in their personal fights? I mean you are fighting with someone 100 miles away , for an issue which is totally a whole some guy business and at the heat of the moment you drag the ladies in your filthy fight complete with choicest of colorful abuses. Don’t you think it is unmanly to include the women in your personal wars? Have you ever heard women uttering Bhai$%^& or Baba@#$%?
So there you see? I never could understand why this gaali veri di? Kripya koi cussed karke batayenge ji?
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